“Desert Wind” a short story

Desert Wind

I turn off the car engine and step into the night like a pool of black water. The rippling air clears my mind, the baby waves of worry settle, and I look up. How have I never known this sky I’ve lived under all these years? Being away from the city lights, there are no heavens separate from the earth. There is only this impenetrable black velvet curtain sprinkled with glittering lights. Crisp desert wind runs its light fingers through my hair and ushers me into this paradise that is only myself and this sky. Holding my hand up to my face, my skin wears the moonlight well. Sunlight originating from millions of miles away relentlessly bounces from surface to surface to find me, keeping me company on this lonely night. My eyes feel heavy and I sing myself to sleep on the hood of my car. It is cold out, but nothing will keep me from this sky ever again.

I wake up with sweat beading around my lips and nose under the late morning sun. The desert in the summer is a bleak harsh landscape with no shelter from the full-force heat. It’s vicious, but the desert set afire seems so natural like there is nothing else a place like this should be but livid with heat. I think back to yesterday’s twelve-hour drive; the first nine spent speeding through the sopping wet rains. I look around the alien world where I’ve stranded myself and the dry sunbaked land cannot contrast enough to the hell I drove through to be here. The idea was to drive until I saw mountains. I took an exit and made turn after turn until I found a dirt road and drove off it until I was good and lost forever. Well, that’s kind of dramatic to say, I’m sure I could find my way back if I wanted to, but it’s lonelier back there than it is here. The mountains and the wind and the sun and the moon are great company. They don’t have to say anything. I don’t have to tell them. They know why I am here and welcome me with open arms.

I hadn’t even seen mountains until just a year before. I was visiting an old friend who lived here in West Texas and fell in love with them. It was a romantic thought; the ground supporting large masses of rock and dirt, lifting it all a few inches higher with each passing year without fail. The secret places undiscovered beyond those gentle giants were screaming for something or someone to acknowledge them. Calling to me to join them and bask in the natural beauty only they can offer. I made a promise to myself then that I would return. Images of my hands on a mountain millions of years old flooded my daydreams; questioning if the rock giants are warm or cold.

Now here I am in the middle of nowhere with the mountains all to myself. They surround me, keeping me safe from everything else out there. There are no crowded spaces where noise perverts every square inch of open air here. The elements take nothing from me. They simply demand that I open my eyes and ears and listen hard for the wisdom they’ve amassed with each spec of dirt added to their surface. This strange place is a different world of solitude; away from the lonely life I made a mess of back home. I never want to leave this place. It is too beautiful to abandon.

I look at my car solemnly. How silly to get sentimental over a metal lifeless object. Though, lifeless is an unfair word for old Blue. She’s witnesses every concert I pour my heart into on the way to work and holds me quietly for every private crying session parked somewhere on the edge of an empty lot or a quiet street. She is there for every late night out, every quick hook-up in the car, every worried doctor’s appointment, every tattoo shop trip, retail therapy trips, out of town trips, drive-thru runs, exasperating errands, school, work, home, school, work, home, school, work, home. Blue knows all my secrets and has brought me here to the edge of the world without fail. I walk away from the car, abandoning my final companion on this trip. I look around for the highest peak and turn to it. With my feet facing my destination, I sense a run would do my body good. Most of my life has been spent sitting still and lifeless. I crave movement, a certain suddenness to shock my dead nerves. I can feel the sweat running down my temples, and I am finally breathing the way I was meant to. The tingling soreness in my legs hurt but I keep running while my head fills with the rasp of my desperate lungs grabbing more air. I am running the run of my life.

The sound of the dirt giving way to my sneakers, crunching before being flicked from the soles drowns out a terrible song in my head. With my feet taking the lead and my legs reluctantly following, my thoughts want to go back to the unsure place it’s been for years; never in tune with my being. But they are instead chained to this place I’ve dragged my body to and I am present. My mind cannot wander away anymore. It is here with my chest ready to collapse and my cottonmouth and cracked lips and soaked shirt. My body is hanging on to my mind like a buoy as it drowns in sweat. I am not stopping until I feel as close to death as possible. All the water could drain from my body and I will still force my legs to carry me where I want to be. I don’t slow into a jog until my mind finally forgets what I am doing. I need some water, but I have none left. How stupid. I look around and don’t see my car anywhere. In fact, I see nothing but dirt and my mountain waiting for me behind wet lines of heat. The sun will begin to descend soon. I’m not too far from the base and I am tired but walking allows the loud noise to renter my head. I force a run every time I hear my brain begging me to stop and turn around. My mountain is waiting for me.

I arrive just before the sun starts to go and stop at a dead tree right at the base. There are no leaves, but the modest branches are shelter enough. I sit to admire the ground before I have to go up. I am immediately sleepy but try to stay awake for the sunset. When the sun does fall, the temperature drops quickly and I shiver as the cold air creeping on me finds every damp spot on my skin and clothes. I turn to the tree, my new friend. A hopeful thought comes to me that this tree has been here waiting for me my whole life.

“Looks like it’s just us. You wouldn’t happen to have any water do you? I suppose not.” I say as I play with the sand near my feet.

It’s really empty out here. I don’t know what else I was expecting really but I haven’t even seen any snakes or coyotes or poisonous lizards. None that I’ve seen at least. Maybe they saw me and decided that I am not for them.

“You see that giant behind us? I’m going to climb it tomorrow. I’m tired as hell but maybe I’ll reach the top.”

The tree doesn’t respond so I lean against it awaiting sleep. I thought I’d be afraid by now but the further I get, the more that fear is nowhere to be found. Goosebumps cover my skin while I watch the light slowly fade. I look to the southeast and think about home hundreds of miles in that direction.

My mother holds me running her wrinkled hands through my hair while I lean against her. She doesn’t speak. I feel better in her arms than anywhere else in the world. Looking at me with a sad smile, she knows why I came here. Her warm scent fills my nose and my heart quickens as I weep from an uneasiness deep in my bones. Something wants to pull her from me. Hot tears roll down my cheek and I hug her afraid she will leave if I let her go. She gets up from the ground to climb the mountain behind me. I want to be with her so I follow. She’s too far ahead and I struggle to keep up. I slip and fall halfway up. Her voice calls for me as I fall.

My eyes open and I barely make out the silhouette of the mountains in the early morning light. It is cold and my muscles feel like stones. Nausea hits and the world spins for a few minutes as I get up off the ground. I’m tired of fighting and the idea of continuing is unbearable.

I look at the tree. “I’m going up now. Don’t wait around for me.” I start my climb.

My mouth is dry and I’m wheezing within the first minute. Rocks and dirt slip from under me. I scrape my legs and elbows as I catch myself from falling over. The sun is warmer every minute and I am covered in blood and dirt and sweat. I regret not doing anything like this before. I could have done more. I should have been louder. I should have stood up for everyone that was picked on in my presence. I should have shouted my answers with pride instead of sitting quietly listening to the loud boys in front leading the class. I should have fought more and hit first. I didn’t love hard enough or kiss enough and there were too many things left undone in my life. But this is no epiphany, no new information. These are the lyrics to the same song played in my mind over and over again as my body dragged me from place to place living the life of nothing I made. It’s the song of my life on repeat that I desperately want turned off.

Every breathe is a victory as I continue to struggle up this mountain. The sweat stings my sunburned skin and open cuts. My headache and dry mouth are like two screaming babies crying for attention. I am licking the sweat from around my mouth in desperation for water but it doesn’t quiet the children. I can feel the wind on my back giving a hint of relief like it’s trying to help me. Each gust of the air’s purpose is to push me up just a bit further. The mountain has formed perfect crevices for my hand and feet to grab onto. The dust that has crusted onto parts of my skin protecting me from the sun. I can hear the song in my head fade and it is finally quiet.

My body and mind are now numb and I have no idea where the will to keep moving is coming from. My thoughts are free to wander away from my condition and they go back to a fuzzy memory of a Mother’s day spent in the backyard when I was a small child. The unkept grass was the greenest I’d ever seen it, riddled with yellow and white wildflowers. Me and my sisters chubby little hands ripped flowers from the ground as our mother awaited to receive our mess of dirty roots and broken flowers with a smile.

High up on the ridge, I look as far into the world’s soul as I can. My greedy eyes devour every cloud like cotton candy. Every dimple and dip of the earth’s surface is gorgeous. I linger on the proud mountains and vast humble plains bowing before them. The wind is back and I caress it with my fingers as they slowly disintegrate into bits of sand. I laugh and feel myself getting lighter with each bit of myself dissolving into the earth, riding the wind to its eternal place here on this mountain.